Why We Date: Navigating Relationship Goals and Intentions Before Commitment
Dating can often feel like navigating a maze without a map. You meet someone, the conversation flows, but a crucial question lingers beneath the surface: “What are we actually doing here?” Many of us have felt the sting of investing weeks or months into a connection, only to discover our fundamental goals were misaligned. This confusion isn’t just frustrating; it’s a significant source of emotional exhaustion.
The truth is, dating is rarely a random activity. It’s driven by a complex web of psychological motivations, personal values, and life goals. To date successfully, we must move beyond “going with the flow” and learn to act with purpose. This guide synthesizes academic research and real-world experience to provide a clear framework for understanding relationship goals & intentions, and offers practical advice on how to navigate these critical conversations before you commit your time and heart.
The Core Motivations: A Scientific Look at Why People Date
Before we can decipher the labels on a dating app profile, it’s essential to understand the fundamental drives behind our search for a partner. A groundbreaking study in Frontiers in Psychology investigated the motivations for romantic relationships and found they can be grouped into four primary categories, each linked to deeper personal values.
- Love and Care (Self-Transcendence): This is the drive for deep connection, emotional support, and the desire to care for another person. It’s about finding a reliable, trustworthy partner and feeling loved.
- Family and Children (Conservation): This motivation is rooted in tradition and the desire to preserve cultural or family values. It includes goals like starting a family, raising children, and building a life that aligns with established norms.
- Status and Resources (Self-Enhancement): This drive is focused on personal gain, such as improving one’s social standing, achieving financial security, or gaining control over resources through a partnership.
- Sex and Adventure (Openness to Change): This motivation is centered on excitement, pleasure, and new experiences. It includes goals like sexual satisfaction, escaping boredom or loneliness, and personal growth through experimentation.
Most people are a blend of these motivations, but understanding your primary drivers is the first step toward finding a compatible partner.
From Broad Goals to Specific Intentions: Decoding Dating App Labels
Our underlying motivations directly translate into the “dating intentions” we select on profiles. These labels are a modern shorthand for complex desires, but their meanings can be ambiguous. Based on common user interpretations, here’s a breakdown of what these terms often signal.
| Intention Label | Common Interpretation | Potential Underlying Motivation(s) |
|---|---|---|
| Life Partner | Seeking a spouse or a “ride or die” partner for life. Intentions are serious and often include marriage and building a shared future. Typically seen in daters who are clear on what they want. | Love & Care, Family & Children |
| Long-Term Relationship | Looking for a committed, serious girlfriend/boyfriend. Marriage may be a future possibility but isn’t the immediate, pressing goal. Focus is on deep compatibility. | Love & Care |
| Long-Term, Open to Short | The ultimate goal is a serious relationship, but they are flexible and open to something more casual if the right long-term connection doesn’t materialize. | Love & Care, Sex & Adventure |
| Short-Term, Open to Long | Primarily looking for something casual or for a defined period. However, they are open to it becoming a serious relationship if they meet the right person. | Sex & Adventure, Love & Care |
| Short-Term Relationship | Dating without the expectation of a long-term future. This could be due to an upcoming move, recovery from a past relationship, or simply a desire for a casual or FWB situation. | Sex & Adventure, Status & Resources |
| Figuring Out My Dating Goals | Genuinely unsure what they want. This person might be new to dating, recently divorced, or in a period of major life transition. They are exploring connections to see what feels right. | Varies widely |
Important: As one Hinge guide notes, people can and do misrepresent their intentions. Therefore, observing whether someone’s actions align with their stated goals is critical.
The Big Question: When and How to Discuss Intentions
Many daters, particularly women, worry that bringing up goals early seems “aggressive.” However, avoiding the conversation often leads to more significant pain later. Getting clarity isn’t aggressive; it’s a form of mutual respect.
Why Early Clarity is Crucial
Biblical dating principles offer a universally wise concept: avoiding “defrauding” a partner. This means not implying a higher level of commitment through your actions or words than you are willing to make. Being upfront protects both people from unintentional deception and wasted emotional energy. As one user on a dating forum lamented, getting clarity upfront could have “saved my mental health.”
A Practical Guide to the “Intentions” Talk
Having the conversation doesn’t have to be an interrogation. It’s a mutual check-in. Here’s how to approach it:
- Know Your Own Goals First: Before you can ask someone about their goals, you must be clear on your own. What are you looking for at this stage in your life? Reflecting on your primary motivations is a key part of successfully navigating intentions before commitment.
- Bring It Up Early and Casually: The first two or three dates are an appropriate time. You can frame it as part of your general dating philosophy. For example: “I’ve really enjoyed our conversations so far. Just so we’re on the same page, I’m generally dating to find a serious connection. I’m curious to know what you’re looking for right now?”
- Listen and Observe: The conversation is just the starting point. Pay attention to their actions in the days and weeks that follow. Do they make consistent effort? Do they engage in meaningful conversation? Actions will always reveal true intentions more than a label on a profile.
Aligning Intentions with Partner Preferences
Your motivations don’t just shape your goals; they also influence what you find attractive in a partner. The academic research found clear links between what people want from a relationship and the traits they prioritize in a mate. This self-awareness is a powerful tool for understanding relationship goals & intentions.
- If your primary motivation is Status & Resources, you are more likely to prioritize a partner’s socioeconomic status, career, and financial stability.
- If your primary motivation is Sex & Adventure, you may place a higher value on physical attractiveness and a partner who seems exciting and open to new things.
- If your primary motivation is Family & Children or Love & Care, you are more likely to prioritize a partner who has similar values, background, and a kind, dependable nature.
Conclusion: Dating with Purpose and Clarity
Moving from confusion to clarity in dating requires a shift in mindset. It begins with introspection—understanding your own “why.” By identifying your core motivations, you can better articulate your intentions and recognize the partner traits that will lead to genuine fulfillment.
Reiterating that why people date is a complex question with answers rooted in our core values and life goals allows us to approach dating with more grace and strategy. By learning to communicate your goals early and respectfully, you can filter for compatibility more effectively, protect your mental well-being, and pave the way for a relationship that truly aligns with your vision for the future.
